After the last weekend of the Renaissance Festival, I've come to realize that yeah, I'm a bit burnt out. My desire in art is aimed toward things I want to do but can't. The simple reason is the fact that I still need to make money. Even if my partner covers majority of the bills and I take care of the pets and home and food, I still need to pay for my own things as they arise. From medical to emergencies, pets, etc. Lately, with the threat of my mum potentially not being able to afford her heating bill come winter, that looms over my head too. The meager $200-$300 I barely scrape up each month thus far, will not cover it and we've already had to help before throughout this year. In general, I probably only put away maybe around $50 to $100, sometimes far less or nothing, away into savings each month and recently, it has been draining on me. If anything were to happen, there's no way I could be independent or really help out in any way. The main goal right now would be able to help my mum out more financially so she can at least get things back in order (not that I would expect that money returned to me), but I can't. My partner already pays majority of the bills so they can't. I know part of the issue is the art market, the fact that I'm a nobody, I have no networking or bigger name people I can turn to to help give me a push, it's literally just me, screaming into the void every week and hoping that someone trusts me enough to do a full rendered piece for them. If by some miracle of miracles, I can manage to do even 2 full rendered pieces a month, it would help out so much, give me the freedom I need in order to make sure I don't keep burning out like this, and also be able to continue my studies properly. Right now, just to make that meager amount means I have to do at least 6-10+ commissions for clients that are only willing to spend somewhere around $20-$50 per piece. I've been doing this for literal years! It makes me feel like a failure. Having to do so much and then not having the time to do anything I know will help me improve as an artist. I literally do not the have the time because I'm always working on things for others and struggling to do comic pages in between.
Like what's happening right now. I have a literal backlog of around 10+ pieces to do, all generally small and most can be done in around 3-6 hrs, but that's an entire day. Some of these are also more pieces, like broken down into several portions. So I have a couple things where I may say it's 1 commission, but in reality, it's 10 things! So in total, my backlog probably is around 30 or something, and that's not even including the backlog of the works I want to do to hopefully entice at least 1 client to hire me for full rendered work and my comic. I'm...I'm tired. I'm so demotivated it's ridiculous. I've spent the past 3 weeks working anywhere from half an hour to 3 hrs and being far from my usual consistent self. I'm about 2 comic pages behind, soon to be 3 and more and my head is just...I'm losing my marbles! I cannot keep doing this and yet, I need the money. If I'm to keep trying and even remotely keep my nose above water, I have to keep earning. Thus, the ultimate goal for me is to gain that freedom. To get out of this tiny commission hell box, other than accepting them once in a great while because I WANT to and NOT because I HAVE to. The former is the goal. Even just starting out with 1 full rendered piece a month literally would give me DAYS back! Probably even a whole week back. Then I could actually post comic pages 2x a week, update my patreon with more content than just comic pages and art summaries, continue the mentorship, go to conventions and have a table, create merch, and so much more! Yet, here I am...drowning every month for the past 10 years.
Sometimes I honestly wonder what is keeping me going and trying when it's clear I'm a failure as a professional artist. People can tell me otherwise all they want, but blind faith in this area is not enough for me. Struggling like this is not being professional. Wanting to cry each time someone asks how your job is going, is not a sign that I've made it or am doing good. I would love to not be laughed at every time I tell someone I'm an artist.
I still love what I do, but bit by bit, even I'm seeing the strain this has in what I produce. The things I want to finish sit around and hurts something deep when I don't have the time to finish those ideas. I have to neglect my duties in order to finish those and I don't always have understanding clients despite the fact that they only paid maybe $25 for something that still takes me hours to complete.
Why am I still here? Why do I keep torturing myself like this and unable to get out?
Just....why?
